im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
