I met the friendliest cop last night
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
