You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
