I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
