I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
