I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
