So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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