yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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