you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
