i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
