im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
