I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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