You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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