My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
