i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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