Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
