I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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