i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
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