if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
