i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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