You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
