wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
