REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
