Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
