i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
