best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
