I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Of course I have a pirate flag
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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