Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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