you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
