WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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