haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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