Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
