i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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