Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
