First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Your cock deserves a montage
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
