cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize