boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
