I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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