whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
