Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
