Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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