Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
