Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
