My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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