I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
