mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
