and you said cock pushups were impossible
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
