I met the friendliest cop last night
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Did I show you my penis last night?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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