Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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