Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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