so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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