i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
