dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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