my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
