Apparently you make a good broom.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
