rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize